
As my birthday is fast approaching, I can’t help but look back and reflect on the year that was. (please excuse the length of this entry, after all, we’re talking a whole year’s worth of stories)
A year ago, I celebrated my birthday in the hospital. Not because I was sick but because I was there to keep my youngest sister company. She had just finished her first round of chemo and was having a severe reaction to the medication.
Barely a month before, my sister was diagnosed with cancer and back then, I thought that was the biggest challenge my family would have to face. Little did I know that less than a year later we would once again face a bigger tragedy.
Before any of this happened, I was living what I thought was a simple life. I was enjoying being a freelance writer, having control over my own schedule. I was relishing the freedom from the pressures of forcing clients to pay for awardable ads that they didn’t ask for. I was getting regular projects which helped fund my basic needs—coffee, cigarettes, regular salon visits, occasional dinners with friends and videoke nights. I had finally started this blog and was getting ready to share my stories with the small but loyal following Inday had built through facebook photo albums. (This consisted mostly of family and friends, so loyal was indeed an appropriate description). I had no idea that those adventures would take me this far.
From the moment my sister began her chemo treatments and for the next five months, my life’s focus had changed. I went from my regular routine to taking care of her. I was happy to do it and, for the family, it was the simplest solution. After all, I didn’t have a full time job and thus was able to be where my family needed me to be. When my sister was going on a long trip, I flew 31 hours from Manila to New York to babysit my nephew. I was my dad’s regular traveling companion on his business trips because he hated traveling alone. So, spending time in Singapore for my sister’s chemo or staying with her in Dubai between treatments was no big deal. And, there was some personal benefit too—more stamps on my passport and more Inday photo shoots.
But, my sister’s situation made an impact on the family in many other ways. It brought us closer together. She and I had kind of drifted apart. It was inevitable since she moved away from home when she was 18 to go to college in the US and there was the 11-year age gap. But with the time we spent together, she had once again become my little baby. We found our way back to being, not just sisters, but true friends. For the first in many years, I got to spend Christmas Eve with both my mom and my dad, something that hadn’t happened since they separated when I was 18. Since then it was a very amicable and practical schedule of Eve with dad, Day with mom etc etc etc. But last year, there we were in one room—my dad, mom, stepmom, brothers, sister-in-law, sister and nephews and niece. Sadly, my sister and her son in New York and my brother and his family in San Francisco couldn’t join us. But we were optimistic that this would be the start of a new holiday tradition for the family.
In January, we got the good news that we had all been praying for. My sister’s cancer was gone, though we’d still need to wait a few months before she got the official all clear. This would mean regular check ups every month but life had pretty much gotten back to normal. I finally went back home and planned for the rest of the year. I went to the US in February for a bit of R and R. I was there for 6 weeks, and even managed to squeeze in a trip to LA to attend the trial of my friend’s stepmom who murdered her dad. This was a much needed girl bonding with old high school friends. Then, it was back to San Francisco to wait for my dad’s arrival. I always look forward to these US trips with my dad. We don’t really do much but even just hanging out at home is fun.
In May I was hired to be the writer for the Balangay Festival in Butuan City, which meant staying in Butuan for 3 weeks. I arrived in Manila on May 25 and was looking forward to the Ateneo-La Salle game on June 1. This would also be the first time I would see my dad upon my return.
I had no idea that barely a week after my return, my life would be turned upside-down and sideways. I was having dinner with friends on May 30th when I got the message that my dad was in the emergency room. I rushed to the hospital and was able to catch up with my dad. I updated him about work and other family news. I bought him the can of Coke when the doctors allowed him to have one (of course he took more than that) sip of. We stayed with him till he was transferred to the ICU. The doctors were concerned about his low blood pressure and they wanted him to be closely monitored. There was an infection but they were still trying to figure out what it was. I was hearing words like Necrotizing Fasciitis being bandied about. All of a sudden the images of Dr House and Grey’s Anatomy started playing in my head.
We went home and made plans to return the next day. I was back in the hospital by noon and was happy to find dad awake and alert and his usual cantankerous self—complaining about the beeps from the machines and the wires they stuck to him and the doctors who kept poking him—all these things prevented him from getting a wink of sleep the night before. He asked me to scratch his head so he could sleep. I’d been doing this since I was a little girl and he would pay me, five pesos for five minutes. As I grew older, I waved my fee but would still gladly scratch his head whenever he asked. I was glad to see that he was able to sleep for an hour. But once the doctors came back he was awake again. I kept on scratching his head till I noticed that he was drifting off to sleep again. My stepmom came back from her lunch break and my brother and I decided to grab a quick bite in the cafeteria. Dad was on pain killers which were helping him fall back asleep and he said to me, “If you’re tired na Ramona, you can stop. I’m ok. I’m falling asleep na.” I had no idea that those would be the last words he would ever say to me. And I can’t help but think that when he said, “I’m ok. I’m falling asleep.” He was somehow saying goodbye to me.
We were in the cafeteria when we were summoned back to the room. Dad was unconscious and they had called a code. All the years of watching medical shows made me aware of exactly what was happening. My heart was beating fast when I saw that they were going to intubate him and when I saw them giving him CPR and when I saw that his numbers weren’t very promising on the machines. All the prayers and novenas were on a continuous loop in my head.
At 5:19 PM my dad died. And life would never be the same again. Everything had changed, suddenly, painfully, permanently,
And, to paraphrase a line from Grey’s Anatomy which we used for our eulogy, we would now have to learn to live in a world where my dad didn’t exist.
Those first few days after were all business. The siblings flew home one by one. We had funeral arrangements, masses and a wake to arrange. We had to choose a crypt, publish an obituary and deal with legal matters. It’s what comes after that you aren’t prepared for. Because once all the must-dos are over, you have to wake up every day with that empty feeling knowing that you will never see him again. That moment of realization when you know he won’t be on the other end of the line when you call his number. That feeling that there’s a big gaping hole in your heart. Three months later, that hole is just as large, just as empty.
And then there are the firsts… the first Ateneo game of the UAAP Season 76 without him, the first Father’s Day when you have no father, the first family gatherings he was absent for. And, in just a week, my first birthday without my daddy.
To say that the last year has been crazy, is most definitely an understatement. It has been a test of how strong a family can be, and ours did rise to the challenge. This last year has been a time of finding out who your true friends are, who your allies are and who will let you down.
This last year has made me learn what is important, who is important and just how much my spirit can take.
So, with my birthday just around the corner, I thank my family whose love knows no bounds and without whom I would never have survived, my friends whose unwavering support make each day easier, my kids, who, though I didn’t give birth to, give me hugs and kisses on demand which never fail to bring a smile to my face. And to my alter ego Inday, who gives me the courage to show a hidden side, who allows me to have that moment of utter confidence when I really don’t care what the world thinks of me and who lets me laugh at the world when it isn’t always easy.
And for all of Inday’s friends, thank you for always making her (and me) feel the love.
That’s all for now….bow.